Are You Attracting Love or Lust? Unraveling the Patterns of Your Heart

By Dr. Neeti Kaushik

Valentine’s Day is often portrayed as the ultimate celebration of love. But have you ever paused to ask yourself—are you truly attracting love, or are you merely falling into the trap of lust and fleeting emotions? Through my consultations, I have observed that relationships are often the most problematic areas in people’s lives. Time and again, I meet individuals who find themselves in toxic, unfulfilling relationships, wondering why they keep attracting the wrong person. The truth lies deep within—our childhood, our traumas, and the subconscious definition of love we formed long before we even started dating.

This article is not just another Valentine’s special; it is a must-read for anyone seeking genuine love and a fulfilling relationship. Let’s dive deep into the reasons behind our repeated relationship mistakes and uncover the key to attracting true love.

The Childhood Blueprint: How Our Past Shapes Our Love Life

From the moment we are born, we begin forming our understanding of love. The way our parents nurtured (or neglected) us, the way they treated each other, and the way love was expressed in our home all left imprints on our hearts.

Many of my clients share eerily similar stories—growing up in households where love was conditional, where validation had to be earned, or where affection was scarce. As a result, they unconsciously develop beliefs like:

• Love means sacrifice.
• Love is painful.
• I have to work hard to be loved.
• If I am not needed, I will be abandoned.

These subconscious beliefs govern the relationships we attract. If love was synonymous with suffering in childhood, we unknowingly chase partners who replicate the same patterns.

I remember a client, who had grown up watching his mother stay in an emotionally abusive marriage. He told me, “I always thought love meant enduring pain and making sacrifices.” As a result, he kept falling for partners who took him for granted, mistook his kindness for weakness, and never truly appreciated him. It was only when he consciously unlearned this belief that he was able to attract a partner who valued and respected him.

Similarly, one of my other client was raised in a home where love was only shown when she achieved something. If she scored well in exams, she got affection; if she failed, she felt ignored. This taught her that love was conditional. She carried this belief into her relationships, constantly feeling she had to prove her worth. She chose partners who made her feel like she had to earn their love, leading to cycles of emotional exhaustion. The day she recognized this, she began her healing journey.

Awareness is the first step to healing. When we recognize these patterns, we can consciously break them. Healing your inner child is a powerful way to reshape your beliefs about love and relationships. Rhodonite crystal can be a powerful companion in this healing journey, helping you release emotional wounds and cultivate self-love.

If this resonates with you, I’ve created a detailed video on inner child healing. Do watch it—because true love begins with healing yourself.

My Effective & Easy Ways to do Shadow work & Inner child Healing

Unlock Healing With 7 Powerful Journaling Prompts

The Endless Cycle: Why We Attract the Wrong Person Again and Again

Do you ever feel like you are trapped in a loop, attracting the same kind of toxic relationships over and over? One of my clients, let’s call her Meera, was heartbroken when her third consecutive relationship ended in betrayal. She told me, “Dr. Neeti, why do I always fall for the wrong person? They all seem different in the beginning, but eventually, they hurt me in the same way.”

The answer lies in the subconscious mind. Our brain seeks familiarity, even if it’s painful. If we grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent, we unknowingly chase people who provide that same inconsistency.

Here’s how this cycle works:

1. You attract a partner who mirrors your past experiences. At first, they seem exciting, different, and full of potential.
2. The relationship starts with intensity, but soon, the old wounds resurface. You start noticing patterns similar to your past relationships.
3. You ignore the red flags, hoping things will change. The fear of abandonment or loneliness keeps you stuck.
4. The relationship turns toxic, leaving you heartbroken and confused. You promise yourself it won’t happen again—only to repeat the cycle with someone new.

It’s heartbreaking to see how many people continue to relive the same pain, simply because they haven’t been able to identify the root cause of their patterns.

Lust vs. Love: Understanding the Difference

It’s common to mistake intense attraction for love, but the truth is, they are worlds apart. While both can feel powerful, their impact on your life is vastly different. Understanding the difference between lust and love can unlock a deeper understanding of your relationships.

One of my client, kept falling for men who made her heart race but left her feeling empty inside. “I thought I was in love,” she confessed, “but I realized they never truly saw me. They only saw what they wanted to see.” It was only after working on herself that she was able to recognize what real love felt like—gentle, kind, and reassuring, rather than just thrilling and uncertain.

Here are 6 Key Differences Between Lust vs. Love:

1. Lust is physical; love is emotional. Lust is all about that immediate physical attraction—think of that rush you feel when you see someone and can’t take your eyes off them. It’s driven by the brain’s reward system, sparking desire and instant gratification. Love, however, isn’t based on appearances alone. It’s the emotional connection, the understanding, and the trust that form the foundation of a lasting bond. It’s about two people coming together and growing emotionally, even when the spark fades.

• Lust fades; love endures. Lust burns bright but fades quickly, especially when the initial rush of physical attraction wears off. But love? It deepens with time. When a relationship is based on love, you’ll find that the connection only grows stronger through the years, surviving through the highs and lows of life. True love stands the test of time, while lust struggles to stick around.

• Lust is fantasy; love is reality. From a young age, we’re often fed stories of a prince riding in on a white horse, or fairy tales where love is instantaneous and perfect. Movies, novels, and stories shape our understanding of love, filling our minds with images of ideal partners and dreamlike relationships. These fantasies create a longing for a certain kind of love, where everything feels magical, like when we touch, we feel a sensation, or when we look into each other’s eyes, everything falls into place. Lust thrives on these fantasies—on the idealized partner, the thrilling but often flawed vision of what love should be.

However, love is grounded in reality. It’s about accepting your partner for who they truly are—flaws and all. Love doesn’t shy away from imperfections; it embraces them. It’s the choice to stay through the ups and downs, to grow together through challenges, rather than expecting the idealized fantasy to always play out.

• Lust is about excitement; love is about friendship. Sure, lust brings excitement and energy to a relationship, but love is built on something deeper—a friendship. In love, you don’t just have a lover, you have a best friend. You share the good times and tough moments, communicate openly, and support one another’s growth. Without this underlying friendship, a relationship will struggle to stand the test of time.

• Lust seeks thrill; love seeks stability. Brain scans of people in lust show that their brain activity mirrors that of someone getting a hit of cocaine. It’s that intense rush, the thrill of the chase, and the desire for more. But love is different. It doesn’t thrive on a rush—it seeks stability. True love is calm and steady, building a foundation of security and trust.

• Lust is selfish; love is selfless. Lust is about you. It’s about satisfying personal desires, boosting your ego, and fulfilling immediate needs. In love, the focus shifts away from yourself and onto your partner. It’s about mutual care, support, and making each other’s dreams a reality. Love is about giving—helping the other person grow and become their best self, without expecting anything in return.

The Power of Self-Love: Your First Relationship is With Yourself

One of the most profound lessons I have learned and now teach my clients is that love begins within. If you don’t love yourself, you will always seek external validation, falling for those who exploit your insecurities.

Self-love is not about arrogance; it is about self-respect. It is about knowing that you are complete on your own. When you love yourself:

• You stop settling for less than you deserve.
• You attract partners who value and respect you.
• You recognize red flags early and walk away without guilt.

A client of mine, once told me, “I realized that I kept accepting breadcrumbs because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved more.” The day he started prioritizing himself was the day he broke free from toxic relationships and finally attracted a healthy, loving partner.

I know this journey isn’t always easy—that’s why I have curated a self-love course based on my own experiences, filled with powerful activities to help you build a deep, unshakable love for yourself.

This Valentine’s Day, instead of waiting for love from someone else, gift yourself the most important love of all—self-love. Join me in this transformative course, and let’s begin this journey together.

Breaking Free: How to Attract True Love

If you are tired of repeating the same mistakes, it’s time to make conscious changes:

1. Heal Your Inner Child: Acknowledge your past wounds and work on healing them.
2. Redefine Love: Stop associating love with pain and struggle. True love is supportive and kind.
3. Identify Patterns: Reflect on your past relationships. Do they follow a similar script? Break the cycle consciously.
4. Practice Self-Love: Treat yourself the way you wish to be treated by your ideal partner.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries: Love should never require you to compromise your self-worth.

Fulfill Your Own Needs

We often expect our partners to meet all our needs—financial security, emotional support, affection, time, care, and everything in between. But ask yourself: Is that truly fair? Are you willing to give your partner all that you seek, or are you silently waiting for someone else to complete you? True love begins when we stop seeking perfection from others and learn to offer it to ourselves first. If you desire financial stability, learn to build your own. If you seek emotional support, first heal the wounds within you. Only when you learn to meet your own needs will you stop settling for less than you deserve. And once you do, you will attract a love that mirrors the beautiful energy you’ve cultivated within yourself.

Final Thoughts: A Call to Transform Your Love Life

This Valentine’s Day, instead of seeking love outside, start by looking within. Love is not about finding someone to complete you—it is about finding someone who complements the wholeness you already possess.

To all those who have been hurt, disappointed, and let down in love—know this: The right love exists, but it begins with you. Heal yourself, break free from the past, and you will attract the love you truly deserve.

With love and light,

Dr. Neeti Kaushik

P.S. If this article resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to read it. Let’s spread awareness and help each other find true, fulfilling love.

For more information, visit my YouTube Channel: “Nitty Gritty With Dr Neeti Kaushik”.